My wake up call

Today was uneventful, right up until set free. Uneventful as in nothing huge happened, but as every other mom probably thinks, I consider every day with my daughter amazing, and full of new surprises and such happiness, so to everyone else it was uneventful, but every day, to me, is an amazing miracle. Moving on....

I almost had to drag myself to set free, because my daughter had a stomach ache and was crying a whole 30 minutes before I left, and I was rocking her and singing to her and I didn't want to leave her, but I did know she would be in good hands with her daddy, I just didn't want to leave my hurting baby. That is just an example of what happens every single tuesday. Something ALWAYS comes up when I am supposed to be at Set Free, and I could have every excuse in the book not to go, but I usually make myself go, and end up better for it, like tonight.

I'll go more into depth tomorrow, by writing out what we read, but what we read tonight changed my life. Changed my entire perspective, it was like a slap in the face big wake up call.

It made me think about what has happened in my dads life, my Grandpa Crumpacker's life, My Great Aunt Virginia's life, and My Grandpa's siblings lives. They all suffered from a heart attack, and all of them but my dad died, and my dad has had 2 of them.

When he had his second heart attack, he was living up in Rocklin, while we were here in Los Angeles, and my daughter was only 9 months old. I was so upset and mad. I cried all day and made myself sick (literally), but all I could think about was how mad I was at my dad for letting it happen again. I just kept thinking that it was so selfish of him to not make a conscious effort to stop eating the way he was, and to have this happen again, and to possibly let his granddaughter go through the same things myself, my sisters and my cousins went through, with not knowing our Grandpa. I love my dad so much, he is one of the most kind, tender hearted people I know, and I wanted my daughter to really know him, not just know stories of him.

I have been such a hypocrite though. How could I, with what runs in my family, keep eating the way I have been. I have been so selfish. I have not been thinking of my husband, my daughter, my dad, my mom, my sisters, my friends, my cousins and all who might love me, in those moments when I just have to have one more bite, or that one piece of cake, or that bag of chips. And although it was so easy for me to place blame on my dad, I was placing blame on anything else but me. What am I waiting for? An onset of diabetes? A heart attack? I WILL NOT let what was my family's past, or something "in the genes" be my destiny. I AM GOING to be here (unless God takes me sooner) to watch my children grow up, to see my grandchildren and to grow old with my husband. What a wake up call tonight has been.

And dad, if you are reading this, I no longer think you are selfish. I completely understand where you are coming from, and I know how difficult it is. You are one of my hero's especially the way you reversed your diabetes, lost weight, reversed your bad cholesterol and high blood pressure and we are all, so proud of you. I love you so much daddy, and I cannot tell you how happy we all are that you are still with us.